tbo book 1 canon, charlie thoughts (tbo-era), pining
Thandi’s words roll through Charlie’s head time and again. What even is love?
He reviews his assessment of her.
- She’s human, and a good match for keeping the bloodline pure.
- She’s competent, a quick study.
- She appears to be sympathetic to his feelings.
- Her knowledge of magic will be useful in the future.
- She’s well-read and an excellent conversationalist.
- Her temperament, though pleasing, needs work.
- She seems to believe that his participation in child rearing and child making is absolutely necessary.
Hmm. The list feels incomplete. It doesn’t encompass… whatever it is that she stirs in him. He’s sure that he loves his mother, and Josiah. The feeling is very different from what he experiences with Thandi, though.
Thandi… something about her makes him want to… give to her. Seeing her smile gives him an odd euphoria, almost like a drug. It’s more than that, though. Since she crossed the line and… hugged… him, stroked his hair, he’s… wanted more. Comfort related to his childhood?
In which case, why does he crave it from her versus anyone else? There’s an unspoken exception to her in his personal set of rules.
Not only this, but he can’t seem to stop watching her. Thandi’s appearance is magnetic. He could pick her out from a crowd based only on how she walks, holds herself. And she is gorgeous, aesthetically speaking. If he drew more than plants, he’d like to draw her.
It seems that all reason goes out the window lately when he is faced with her. He realizes that he’s simultaneously desperate for her approval and others’ approval of her. It’s beginning to seem that he is left defending Thandi against the party—she isn’t conniving, she’s not plotting, and it seems that her enthusiasm for people is real.
Perhaps that is why he likes her. She seems genuine. Her focus is admirable, and…
And…
He doesn’t want to be separated.
Is that all it is? Separation anxiety? An attachment formed in a desperate search for comfort?
There’s no way to know.
She makes him stupid for her attention, and he can’t seem to grasp the ability to think clearly when her eyes are on him. And worse, when there are others there to see his weakness around her, he can’t seem to help bristling.
All he has to go on is the physiological response: tight chest, phantom touches, anxiety… pain.
Perhaps love is pain.